Stinky poo poo butt. Stinky poo poo butt.

We love you. We love you.

You’re the best stinky poo poo butt in the whole wide world, whole wide world.

Yes, that’s a song and yes, poop is serious business in my house. My two year old has the most retched poop in the world. Seriously (I like that word), I wouldn’t want to have to change his diaper if I wasn’t his mother. I actually feel sorry for his daycare providers.

His poop stinks. And, he poops like 5 times a day. It’s simply ridiculous considering he drinks more milk than he eats food. And he’s a twig.

Now, for my daughter, she’s been constipated since the day she was born. Someday she is going to be really upset that I work this post and put it out there for the world to see. Although, by the time she figures out that she should be upset, there will probably be hundreds of posts to choose from and the one about poop isn’t likely to make the top ten list.

Well, as usual I digress. It’s not her fault. She’s had a million and one medical issues. Some serious, some not and constipation just happened to be one of them. The biggest problem is that until today, she refused to poop in the toilet. She would scream, kick and holler her way back to a diaper. She’s been peeing in the toilet for a year and a half so it doesn’t seem like it should be a big deal.

And, in all fairness, I haven’t been that understanding or patient with her refusal to poop in the toilet lately which has not helped matters. And, I have tried to bribe her with everything under the sun… a party at Chuck e Cheese with her friends, a gymnastics party, money for a new toy… anything I could think of.

Nothing worked. I have threatened, yelled and bribed with no success. But this weekend she discovered a training potty in the basement that she never used until today. When she said she would go poo in the small potty and pee in the big potty. And, she did. No crying, arguing or anything. And as soon as she proudly showed me her achievement, she promptly asked when we were going to Chuck e Cheese.

The thought process of children never ceases to amaze me. Apparently, going poop in the big potty is scary but peeing is not…and all that bribery was not being ignored, it was being banked.

The rest of the afternoon was spent negotiating when she would get to go to Chuck e Cheese. She wanted to go right now, not tomorrow, not next week. Well, it’s not quite that simple child. We live 40 minutes from the nearest Chuck e Cheese and it was time to take a bath and get ready for bed.

I finally satisfied the very disappointed child with a last minute trip (in PJ’s with wet hair) to “the French fry” house (aka McDonald’s) to get a Vanilla shake – a favorite treat often used to reward or bribe. I’m not sure she would have been able to sleep if I hadn’t done something. Her disappoint and inability to understand why we couldn’t go to Chuck e Cheese right now was overwhelming.

I felt horrible and don’t have any idea how I’m going to survive the next week and a half until we can actually go.  And, I do NOT look forward to potty training my son. Obviously, it’s not my forte. The good news… my daughter will be out of diapers by the time she goes to school and I can start a college fund with the money I’m saving.

Why is it that my 3.5 year old basically had candy stolen out of his hand twice by two different adults with infants at the Easter egg hunt today? Do these people have no shame? When did the world become so hard up that parents have to steal a tiny candy eggs from a child?

I admit times are tough, but seriously, the tiny egg is not going to prevent starvation or pay the mortgage. I really wanted to take those people out! My mommy instincts were beginning to click and I was about to stomp on their greedy hands and demand they give my son that piece of candy! But I kept my cool. People are just insane and candy is nothing to start a brawl over.

I don’t allow my kids to eat a lot of candy so the less candy they bring home the less I have to eat or throw away but that doesn’t excuse people’s rudeness. They have no idea that I don’t like my big ass (but that’s a whole other story in and of itself)! 

Where is the line in the sand?  I’m trying to teach my children sharing and manners and here we have a group of adults running through a playground trying to pick up as much candy as they can for their infants! Who are they kidding? The baby isn’t eating it, they are there for themselves!

Greedy bastards!

And people wonder what’s wrong with our youth. The greedy bastards will raise spoiled greedy bastards! Thank goodness my son doesn’t remember the greedy bastards – instead he remembers the race for candy, playing with his friends on the playground, and the beautiful sunny afternoon watching and flying kites!

The day ended in a wonderful way and hopefully all I’ll remember from now on is how much we enjoyed our family and friends today! I’ll take a lesson from my 3.5 year old and view the world from his eyes today! My holidays are about my kids!

Contributed by Guest Blogger Stacie H.

“you did what??? Poooop… oh, that’s disgusting, get out of the tub now!!! That stuff will make you sick…!”

Okay, so maybe I overreacted a bit, but still, poop in the bathtub is flat-out disgusting. Especially when your kids still find enjoyment in sticking toys in their mouths and spitting water at each other for fun.

My rabid response to the situation while making both children wait for a fresh tub of water in order to be properly scrubbed might have something to do with my son’s hesitation to continue enjoying baths in his bathing suit.

However, in my desperate search for a clue, I have to admit that it took me a week to figure out what was going on. For a solid week, “E” refused to get in the tub which had previously been a favorite time of day. He would scream when I put him in the water; stand against the wall with one leg hanging over the side; or simply climb out of the tub and play from the sidelines.

Nothing I did to get him in the bath worked. After a week, I was desperate. His hair hadn’t been washed in a week – it smelled, and not that good kinda sweet Johnson & Johnson No More Tears residue smell, but the boy this kid stinks and when did his mother last bathe him kinda smell.

Well, at least he was still brushing his teeth so his breath didn’t stink too.

I was beginning to worry that his daycare would be calling DCFS if I didn’t do something soon. Bound and determined to enjoy a clean, smell-free child, I grabbed a swim diaper and threw it on.

Amazingly, the problem was solved. 30 minutes later, he was still playing and even occasionally, actually sitting in the water. It looks as if I may have scarred the child for life, but at least he’s clean.

Of course, this goes against the Male DNA code, but really, who cares. Just yesterday I found out how little I know about boobs. Not surprising as I play on the hetero team, but still, a bit shocking nonetheless.

Let’s take this back a bit and give you some context for my ramblings. I was a 32 B/C for most of my life. I remember days of padded bras and duck tape in the efforts to attract the attention of men. And, I remember days of working out, running and just plain goofing off with no bra and no worries. My biggest concern was a cool breeze.

Then, I was blessed with 2 beautiful children…and, a permanent increase in bra size. Now, I’m a 36 B/C and seriously, I’ve wanted a boob job for 3 years…a reduction that is. Why???

Because they JIGGLE and they HURT!!!!

I can’t workout, run or goof off with the kids without extra support. And, going without a bra, well those days are over. The truth of the matter is that the increase of my breasts has been a literal pain in the bouncing chest region for years and I’ve got a penny jar slowly collecting funds to buy these suckers down.

BUT, I learned exactly how easy I have it yesterday. My girlfriend (she gave me permission to write about her but we’ll keep her name anonymous anyway) has a size F, she might have even said Double F. Now, I had no idea that there was a size F bra, but in reality this isn’t too surprising. It’s only 2 sizes up from D.

What is Shocking…. a size L…

YES, I said L, that’s the twelfth letter of the alphabet. 12 sizes up that you never see in the store. I feel really sorry for someone that has a size L. It must hurt. In Fact, “L” got a boob job and was ecstatic to be reduced to a DD…which would easily fall into a nightmare category for me.

Even an “F” had me a bit freaked out. I think health insurance should cover anyone who wants to reduce the craziness of having to lug anything larger than a D around.

For me, the penny jar is still in operation and when it’s full the 36 C’s I’m lugging around are getting chopped.

The real world of grown-ups that is. You know the one where the economy sucks; citizens are going on shooting rampages at an alarming rate; people are killed for sitting on their front porch, going to church, or attending class. The real world where jobs are lost, children are hungry, and your neighbor secretly visits the food pantry every week.

Yeah, that real world. The one that makes you want to scream and laugh and cry all at the same time.

Well, at least I get the gratification and ego-boosting support of my 4-year old. Don’t be jealous. She didn’t come up with this on her own. I’ve been telling her that she’s the “Best Baby Girl in the Whole Wide World” since she entered this world.

Anyway, we tried lentil bean soup one night and I added rice and carrots to the meal to round it out. My 4-year, skeptical of all new food items and anything that looks “icky”, wouldn’t touch anything but the carrots. The toddler dived in to the rice and carrots but wouldn’t touch the lentil beans.

Dinner was going downhill fast, time for some creative thinking.

I grabbed some bread and butter and cut a buttered slice into four squares. Next, I showed both kids how much fun it was to pile the rice and beans on the bread and see how much each of us could get in our mouths.

The game was a hit…beans, rice and carrots were piled on bread and eaten with relish! It’s not the cleanest of meals (expect plenty of rice and beans to get on the table, floor, chair, clothes and anything else in range) but it is fun.

To this day, my daughter asks for Lentil Beans, Rice and Buttered Bread at least twice a week when asked what she wants for dinner. And, she gets it. Healthy, simple and fast…my kind of mommy meal.

Prep Time: 20-30 minutes

Rice – cook as instructed, usually takes about 20 minutes. I like to make 2 cups and save the leftovers for later. Leftover rice heats up well in the microwave with a bit of water – I also add a bit of butter.

Lentil Beans – I use Progresso soup. Not too many preservatives, no MSG (as far as I know) and there are more beans than broth. It’s hearty and we never eat it all in one meal.

Bread/Butter – I butter the bread for the kids lightly. Just enough for them to see it. Cut into 4 pieces – I let them decide if they want squares or triangles. The toddler gets whatever his sister wants; right now, he wants everything the same.

Vege: vegetable of choice. I use frozen or canned. If canned, look for a brand that states “No Salt Added” on its label as this is generally the healthiest.

Shopping List: Rice, Lentil Soup, Vege, Bread and Butter

Cost for Four (two kids under five and two adults): about $5.00

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a vegetarian and I love meat. It just seemed that a few years focused on incorporating the all of the major food groups into every meal would give them an advantage in the health department as they grew up. Yet, I once again learn that if anything about parenting were simple then I could also expect world peace tomorrow.

In all seriousness, I wouldn’t let my 4-yr-old eat desserts until she was two. You might think this was mean, but she couldn’t miss what she didn’t know existed. And, I’d like one person to prove to me how feeding a baby or toddler sweets actually benefits them? At the same time, her father happily and secretly introduced her to ice cream, chocolate chip cookies and a variety of other sweets. Just goes to show, you can’t control everything.

And although I acknowledge that parenting is hard, it doesn’t stop me from wondering and judging other parents along the way. I’ve seen toddlers eating Doritos at the pediatrician office;   barely walking infants munching on French fries; and one of my all-time favorites…

        …a 3 year old – with several cavities – having just screamed his way through the last of his required fillings – eating a Snickers Bar on his way out of the dentist office.

I will never forget the look on my dentist’s face as she sat down and told me what was going on with the child before diving in to give me a deep root cleaning. To say I wasn’t a bit apprehensive considering her agitation level would be a lie.

And who could blame her? What are these parents thinking?

We are the fattest nation in the world.

We eat preserved, altered and otherwise toxic food every day of our lives.

In America, there is virtually no getting around it. You could shop at Whole Foods – but that’s not an option for a lot of us.

We could just try a bit harder – especially when it comes to our kids. Our canned and frozen foods are filled with unnatural toxic crap. I know because we eat a lot of canned foods and the challenge is finding those that have the least amount of bad stuff in them. Our meats are polluted. They are filled with, not just on the preservative side, but the food we give them is toxic and we jack them up with a variety of steroids and other drugs to help them grow “big and strong”. I know this and I still eat meat. I love meat.

Again, you just have to try and find the healthiest product you can. I’d love to buy “organic” meat but it’s ridiculously expensive. Even organic eggs are a bit out of hand n the cost side of things.

 Some of it’s about what you can afford and what you can’t. Some of it is about effort. Even Wal-Mart carries Annie’s – a fantastic company that develops organic food stuff for kids, including a fantastic Mac & Cheese. Costs more than Kraft but it’s not too much if you bulk up when they are on sale.

Wouldn’t it better for our kids, for their futures, if we spent a few more pennies on Annie’s and few less pennies on the infamous bag of fries?

Just keep it simple and you’d be surprised at what you can do. Just don’t give your child a Snickers bar as a reward for surviving his filling treatment. At least not while you are still at the dentist office…. 

The truth is, my children baffle me. They are innocent angels one minute and montrous devils the next. Laughing and giggling turns into a temper tantrum of epic proportions over who gets to sit in mommy’s lap during storytime. A “fun” game of Hi-Ho Cherry-O’s turns into a scream fest when a spin of the wheel causes the loss of cherries back to the tree.

And, when did Hi-Ho Cherry-O’s turn into a game of Cherries, Apples, Blueberries and Oranges? It just doesn’t make sense. But we do get to practice our colors. As if the challenges of winning and losing are not enough for the average 4 year old heart to deal with.

Don’t get me wrong. My children are my joy – when they are not driving me crazy that is. There’s nothing better than an unsolicited kiss followed by “I love you”. Or, experiencing the pure joy of a 4 year old eating an ice cream cone from the blue short bus. (Yes, our ice cream man drives a converted, blue short bus around town. Good marketing though – you can recognize the bus a mile away!)

But it’s the random, unpredictable shifts in mood that confound me daily. Although, in reality, don’t we all feel this way. We forget to eat and we get cranky. Too little sleep equals short tempers. And not getting what we want causes frustration, sadness and depression. Don’t we all want to just scream sometimes?

In truth, kids make perfect sense. But I still can’t figure them out…